You know I believe it.


"I know you will find what you are looking for, even though it's not here."

I recently made that statement to someone I cared about. When I said it to them, I believed it. I still believe it, and I was right: they did find what they were looking for, and they are happy. (At least I think so. I'm making an educated guess, based on, um . . . stuff and things. I didn't actually ask them.)

After I made that statement aloud, I immediately made the following statement to myself silently:

"I don't know if I will ever find what I am looking for."

I was being honest with myself. I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I know that I have been searching for something for a growing majority of my life. There are a few times I thought I had gotten close to achieving it, but I have always failed.

I have grown tired of 1) actively chasing my dream, 2) passively waiting for my dream to come true, and 3) enduring continuous pain.

Yet tonight, as I was walking in the cold, consuming my double hot chocolate with whipped cream, the clouds of negativity swirling in my head finally cleared. After 2 and ½ weeks of woe, my ambition found a way to shine through. I had forgotten how strong my ambition can be. My ambition has often overridden my abilities, or lack thereof, like my introversion. Throughout my life, this unrelenting drive has helped me to get what I want, how I want it.

I am going to get what I want. Yes, the sadness is still there. The anger is still there. The despair is still there. But so is my ambition, which has grown more powerful over time.

Now I can make that statement to myself. I know I will find what I am looking for. And someday, someone will want to hold my hand.

(But I'm not going to Paris to find them, no matter what Google says.)